By Mike Woods
The day began like an explosion. That’s because my immature flatmate thought it would be funny to tip a bottle of water over me after I failed to respond to my alarm clock.
“Hey Brad! That’s the third time this week! Switch that thing off,” Sherrie said, “It drives me in-sane!”
I stuttered something but no words came out. I opened my eyes in time to see her naked backside glide out through my bedroom door. I can never stay mad at her for long because she walks around the house in various states of undress almost all the time. On Saturday she walked around all day in a string bikini. Sure, it was a hot day but it wasn’t that hot. I mean, there’s no swimming pool out the back or anything. She didn’t lie on the patio and sunbake. She just jiggled her way around the house while I was trying to study, making sure I could see her. On Sunday she wore a sheer black and red baby doll all morning. She asked me if I thought she could go to church in it. I wanted to ask her what religion, but my mouth was too dry for me to speak.
“Can you imagine me kneeling at the pew in this outfit, Brad? It would be in-sane,” Sherrie said as she laughed and tossed her black hair.
She moved in recently and has been trying to seduce me. I have pretended not to notice and haven’t responded to her teasing. Why? I truly do not know. I spend most of my time trying to think of awesome things to say to her. I even write them down and practise them quietly in my room so I can memorise them. But as soon as I see her all words fly out of my head as if a bomb had blown up my brain. She’s been here for two weeks and I’ve hardly said a word to her. Not that I need to say much, because she loves to talk. When she gets excited by a subject, like the love lives of French Philosophers, or the insincere generosity of Oprah Winfrey, she talks as fast as a machine gun. Faster! I can hardly understand what she is saying, but that’s okay, I just like looking at her. And if she’s talking to me I can look at her all the time. She’s just so beautiful.
I quickly brushed my teeth and hair, being careful not to get the two of them confused. Sometimes I am unbelievably dim-witted in the morning especially when I stay up drinking most of the night while I stalk Sherrie on Facebook.
There was a book on tanks lying on the kitchen table. Sherrie didn’t seem like the type who would take an interest in warfare, but we all have our quirks, don’t we? I brewed a pot of coffee and some French toast and glanced through the book while the coffee percolated and the toast sizzled. Then I noticed a sheet of paper sticking out of the book. It had I Love You written all over it in different coloured pens and pencils. There were pink love hearts drawn all over the page too. I put the paper to my nose and sniffed. It smelled like Sherrie.
I put a plate of toast and two cups on a breakfast tray and carried them to her room. “I’ve cooked you some breakfast. Here, I have cooked you up some breakfast. Here you go Sherrie, breakfast in bed! Excuse me Sherrie I have made you some breakfast. Here is something I prepared for you a little earlier. I’m sorry my alarm woke you Sherrie, here is a token of my apology. Sherrie, are you hungry? Want a bite of something to eat, Sherrie? I love you too, Sherrie let’s enjoy breakfast in bed” All these sentences kept running through my mind but none of them seemed right.
Her door was open. I walked in. Sherrie was sitting naked at her dresser applying make-up.
“Oh Brad, you made us some breakfast? How awe-some of you! Alaine this is my flatmate, Brad. Brad, this is my friend, Alaine”
A soldier was standing beside the bed putting his uniform on. I nodded at him and smiled at Sherrie.
“Good morning, Pleased to meet you.” I said. “It’s a beautiful day and this breakfast is just what you need to get you going.”