By Lee Gooden
Hi. Listen, I am purposely leaving you a message on your office voice mail because I know you won’t hear it until Monday morning. That gives us…gives me the entire weekend as a buffer…two days of reflection on my part. Things have been awkward between us. I don’t like it…I could text you or call you on your cell, Facebook you or DM you on Twitter…really I should tell you to your face but I admit it…I’m scared and I think this voice mail will give us some time…in all fairness, I guess it really only gives me some time because you had no idea I was feeling this way…especially since I didn’t know I was feeling this way. I mean, I knew, but didn’t know, ya know? Anyway, hopefully these two days will help me find some perspective. God, that sounds selfish. When we said goodbye this evening…you going off to your little life and me going off to mine; you were still upset about that email from the management. They really had no right to single you out like that…to put you on the spot was wrong. And yeah, I was…and I’m still supportive in regards to that. They were totally unprofessional… but.. I hate to add to your already crappy week, but I can’t let this go on any longer….Whew, okay…how do I…Um…so as I was saying…I really care about you and I don’t want to hurt you, but I am not going to end my marriage. My kids are my world. I know we talked about stuff…about your kids and my kids and the whole fairy tale of a house…us and our kids and everything. Maybe I led you on, maybe, we led each other on…I don’t know. Oh my God. Don’t end your marriage because of me…I wish…I…oh, never mind. Wishes don’t matter, they’re not real. I…this is a lot harder than I thought it would be…very impersonal, but there’s no going back. What has been said has been said. Too bad your voice mail doesn’t have one of those erase features then I could…fix it…until I got it right…huh, fixing it…me wanting to fix things all the time…things that weren’t broke, wasn’t that one of the bones of contention between us…You telling me that I should stop trying to make things better and live in the moment and…I can’t do that. I need to know that everything is planned out to the letter and I can’t live on, “Things have a way of working out.” or “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” Oh, and my favorite, “Things happen for a reason.” Of course things happen for a reason, I mean, duh…right…cause and effect and all that.
We’ve been working together, so close for so long and you’re easy on my mind and eyes…and so easy on my mind’s eye. I don’t know if that makes sense…we sort of gravitated to each other, my marriage was in a rough spot, yours is in never ending turmoil…I suppose it was just a matter of time. I’ve never been attracted to women before…in college, I experimented, nothing major…nothing like what we have. Nothing, like…like love. But that night, over our secret thermos mimosas and inventory reports, we were tipsy and singing old show tunes…when we kissed…it was…so good…and so wrong. I never felt like that with my husband…and..I know you feel the same way, after you told me about your husband and his issues… Maybe, maybe it is meant to be. But, but…No, I…I can’t…I’m sorry.