By Mallory Smart

Wake up early. Security is vital to your protection and TSA are freedom-loving patriots who will get you to your destination safely sans toothpaste or any other freedom-hating products that are detrimental to your life as an American.

Check in with your airline and check your bag. Use the machine, seriously why would you talk to a human if you don’t have to.

Discard your humanity and join the line of the other faceless people waiting to be screened.

Consider what it’s like to be sexually attracted to the mountains and stars. Take turns leaning your weight to each side of your body. Fumble with your iPhone and headphones.

Ask Twitter why you didn’t stay home and watch Nat Geo instead. Endure. Have faith that the line will move.

Listen to the sound of a hundred people who shouldn’t ever meet each other stand shoulder to shoulder. Tweet to your 50 twitter followers that we are all just pieces of trash blowing around in space.

Take your shoes off and proceed through security.

Sigh as you’re directed like a kindergartener on a field trip.

Put your shoes back on.

Find your gate and take notice of the time. Go ahead and get some coffee. You’ve made it this far. Aim to find a Starbucks, that way you can use the app and order ahead. Seriously why would you talk to a human if you don’t have to?

Sit next to strangers at the gate with your coffee in hand and noise-cancelling headphones placed firmly over your ears.

Stare at the terminal. Watch passersby waddle through terminals like broken portable minds. Watch them look for power outlets. Laugh and squirm, hoping that you won’t need a power outlet.

Sip your coffee.

Passengers will begin pre-flight boarding. Get up slowly so not to disturb the knot in which your stomach is now firmly tied.

Stand in line to board. Keep drinking your coffee. Imagine the people in front of you and behind you as cats. Take a deep breath.

Walk down the jet bridge to the plane. People always make the mistake of putting their bags in the overhead bins. Don’t do this. It is far too awkward of a process and you are only 4’11. You can’t do this without asking for help. This is why you only brought a bag small enough to place beneath your feet.

Shake your head at people’s foolishness. Find your seat at the window and sit down. Hope that no one tries to get you to switch seats.

Throw your headphones on and stare out the window. Pretend not to notice the people passing by and moving their mouths up and down.

Close your eyes and zone out for the next few hours.

If you do this right, you will have flown 1,500 miles without making contact with a single soul.

Good job introvert!