By Wayne Scheer

So I says if anyone of youse can fit into these here shoes, I’ll treat youse like a princess. They don’t know me from Adam, so I make like I’m a freaking prince of a guy. Two of the three broads is so ugly they can save money on Halloween masks. And they get all excited, like I’m really gonna marry one of ’em and traipse off to fairyland.

Anyways, the two ugly ones push past the cute one and stick out their fat, smelly feet.

I nearly lose my lunch. Man, they had them some ugly feet. All fulla corns and bunions and bloody toenails. I expected to see green crud growing between their stubby toes, but the smell probably killed it off.

So I made sure their feet didn’t fit into the shoe. Ya hold a shoe right with your thumb in the back and no one’s gonna fit into the damn thing. Besides, their feet was so fat, no way they was getting into these shoes I found in the parking lot over by the country club.

Then I tell the cute one—they called her Cindy—it’s her turn. The two ugly ones, they’re making fun of her, calling her cellar rat and shit like that. I really wanna bust them in the chops. I know it’s wrong to hit a broad. But damn, there should be exceptions.

I’m feeling really sorry for Cindy, so I says to her in my most charming voice, “Please try on this here shoe.”

And you know what she did? She plops down on the floor next to me and starts unlacing these big, ugly clodhoppers. It takes her about ten minutes, and when she pulls them off, she’s wearing two or three layers of socks with holes and there’s even some balled up newspaper stuck in the toes. Meantime, the witches—I’m being polite, don’t ya know—they’re still razzing her. I swear I can hear them cackle.

Finally, she takes off her socks. Now I thought I seen it all, but her tootsies was so pretty I could understand why some guys have a thing for ladies’ feet. You know I made sure she fit into the freaking shoe.

So I pick her up and I’m about to carry her out the door and away from the two ugly sisters, who are just standing there with their mouths open like they suddenly forgot they got vocal chords.

Now here comes the weirdest part. Cindy stops me, and I’m thinking, what do these two have on her? Why would she want to stay here with these two freaks?

She’s still in my arms, but she makes me stop and turn towards them. And you know what she does? She flips these two ugly broads the bird and says, “Now we can go, Prince Freaking Charming.”