By Z Shuff
When he suddenly stops calling me, stops flat, it means he found another girl. The stop is universal. It applies to any guy with any girl. They stop flat on a dime like that, it means they found another girl.
And that’s when the flattening starts. It started once when he’d not called me for a whole week, so when I finally saw him, I pushed him down to the ground, supine, and stomped on him and smashed him until he was flat. Then I strung him up to a tree by his armpits, and I pounded him with a broom like he was a piñata, and then he got real flat. Because people flatten out. I mean, they really do. It’s amazing, but more surprising, still, was that when I let him down from the tree, he tackled me in a fit of passion and pinned me to the floor. Then we made out.
That first time, concerned for his safety, I wore tennis shoes. The next time I moved on to heels. Smashing stomping flat. Afterwards, watching him yaw, I used my fists in jabs and uppercuts to his torso. He bent like a piece of cheap poster board, then ravished me.
I mean, what kind of a girl likes a guy who’s flat as a piece of paper? I do. What kind of guy adores a girl who just leveled him? He does.
So then everything’s good for a while, and we’re normal other couples, all lovey-dovey, oh-honey, oh-sweetie. Then suddenly I don’t hear from him, so I track him down and flatten him. This last time I folded him into a paper triangle. We had really great make-up sex after that.
Now, after the triangle maneuver, we are still in the make-up phase, and I hope it lasts. If it doesn’t, the next time I flatten him, I will rip him up into shreds, and if he’s lucky, I’ll put him back together with tape.
Then I’ll see who finds another.