By Kevin J. MacDonald
The priest vowed to sanitize his hands before touching any unclean Bible. He trusted God, but he did not trust bacteria. Whenever members of his congregation coughed or sneezed while he delivered a sermon, his faith was tested. It was a testament to its strength that he persisted even when doubting his safety. Despite the airborne germs descending through purgatorial space, like Lucifer exiled from Heaven, he would keep his mouth open and continue to deliver God’s word. The Holy Spirit compelled him to.
He had just finished delivering a sermon when his stomach rumbled. The priest was impatient. What if there was no food in the kitchen? Instead of making a fruitless trip to the pantry, he checked the package of the body of Christ he had opened for the Eucharist. He debated on blessing the crackers before indulging but decided it made no difference to God. The crackers satiated him. When he reflected on the fullness of his belly, the Holy Spirit compelled him to go to the bathroom.
In the washroom, the humidity encouraged condensation to collect on the frame of Barrias’ painting, “The Temptation of Christ by the Devil,” which was nailed to the wall. The priest did not notice that the painting was tilted at an angle of 45 degrees which made it appear as though the Devil was now situated above Jesus and looking down at him.
The priest sanitized his hands before sitting down and defecating. As he sat, he recalled a particularly gruesome cough from the crowd that day. It sounded like the man had been stabbed in the side of his chest by a holy lance. He chuckled, admiring the strength of his faith, and reached for toilet paper. And yet, there was none. He searched for an extra roll but found nothing. His face turned red. He clenched his fists. The priest leaned back and felt his shoulder brush against something sitting on top of the toilet. He reached behind and lifted it.
It was the Bible.
He must have left it in the restroom by accident. But, was it an accident? The Holy Spirit did compel him into this room; it was responsible for this trial. Following this line of reasoning, the priest opened the Bible to his least favourite section, tore out the pages, and wiped his ass with them. He knew God would understand. The Holy Spirit compelled him to do it!