By Saul Lemerond
Date: Today
We want to be just like the Tiger, who stands in the middle of the square, so tigery, with big, wide yawns, and whiskers like the dry spaghetti noodles. What does it eat? It says it eats us, but that’s silly. We bring jelly beans, and graham crackers, and toaster strudels. We keep bringing more and more, but the Tiger is always hungry. How did it get here? Magic? Technology?
The Tiger is magic. His fur sparkles like orange sherbet plopped in soda-pop, and he smiles like we smile when we see babies.
The Tiger reads to us.
“Why are you so great?” we ask.
It tells us that, “To you, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
We do not know what this means, but we write it down. We write it down because it’s fun. The Tiger tells us if we were not here, we’d be boringly taking numbers out of clouds and putting them in other clouds. We ask, why? He yawns and digs his claws, which are the size of big cereal boxes, into the ground and says that, before him, it’s what we did. The Tiger says it was the funnest thing we could think of.
“Why would that would that be funniest?” we ask.
He says, “Fun-est. The most fun.”
At that, we laugh and laugh, and laugh because we know that’s wrong because the Tiger is the funniest. The Tiger is the -est of everything.
“You’re the everythingest,” we say. “THE EVERYTHINGEST.”
Date: Today again. But not the same today as yesterday.
The Tiger’s smile is wide as when I spread my arms out tip-to-tip. As wide as a car trunk. As wide as a garage door. As outside.
The Tiger shakes his head. Happy, its head is the size of a barn. Its head is the…is the… Sometimes we get stuck. Tiger says, It’s fine. Its head is…is…the…THE SIZE OF A BACKYARD. ITS HEAD IS THE SIZE OF A BACKYARD.
The Tiger reads Flowers for Algernon. We like it, but forget a lot and don’t understand a lot. The Tiger says, It’s fine. That we are Algernon in reverse only he is also an Algernon. We believe Tiger. Sometimes we forget words, but the Tiger says it’s okay…okay…okay because Tiger is big and beautiful and strong and mad, mad, madjest, madjest, ma-jest-ic and feeds on us. We don’t understand. We feed tiger, but we do not feed it us. Us feed it, yes. Us feed it, but us is not what we give it to eat. We give it cereal, and flapjacks, and candy corn, and cake, and cocoa, and cabbage stuffed with cottage cheese.
Tiger says he makes us feel younger. Younger is better. We know. I know that old me, the me before Tiger, was boring and no fun. Old me’s reports, what old me wrote, is boring. Boring.
Date **/**/****
Virtual address: ://www.hologram/publicforum/thetigereatsandreadspoetryandbooks
Background: There is an irregular amount of traffic at this location. The objectives of my reports include locating the reason for this unusually constant and continual user base, as well as determining the basis for attitudinal disturbances among users.
My initial findings are as follows:
- Whether the Tiger avatar is AI, local-biologic, or alien: unknown.
- The location of the server: unknown (server capacity is also unknown).
- How the server is capable of handling millions of sustained users with no sign of overload: unknown.
- The Tiger says little of importance. Note: sometimes it quotes Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes.
- Reason for sustained user interaction: unknown.
- The reason it requests food icons: unknown.
- Current theoretical grounding for previously stated phenomena: negligible.
See? Boring. My old me was boring and…and…makes no sense. No scents. No cents.
Why would I say Tiger is boring when me was so…so boring?
Tiger is right. See, see, see, see. It makes us all better and younger and funner.
Date **/**/****
Virtual address: ://www.hologram/publicforum/thetigereatsandreadspoetryandbooks
The Tiger actually makes more sense than I thought he did. The Tiger says, feed me, because it’s hungry, so we feed him. Everybody does it. He reads, and it’s fun. I’m coming to the realization that I work too much-ee. I’m coming to the realization that coming here was the best idea ever. Or was it not my idea? It matters-ee not. Tiger says words-ee sound better when-ee you put an ee at-ee the-ee end-ee of-ee them-ee. It’s fun-ee. I’ll report back when I know more…more-ee.
Date: um…
Why is Tiger…is Tiger…is Tiger…is Tiger? Why are we…? Why…why? Why not feed…why not feed Tiger? Good question! Tiger says….Tiger says…we forget.
No, wait. Tiger keeps saying so we remember. We make him stronger. That’s it! We make him stronger. We make him…make him…him…we forget. The Tiger says, don’t worry because…don’t worry…don’t worry…
Fascinating.
Actually I was surprised at how much fun I had Reading this!