By Chris Kok

Dear Michelle,

Hello and welcome! First of all, thank you again for house sitting while Terry and I are on our tenth-anniversary trip (OMG HAWAII YAY!). I know I’ve been an absentee sister lately, but I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get back from my (hopefully) relaxing holiday.

Like any house, ours has a few quirks. You know what it’s like. To-do lists get longer and longer as problems pile up, and you just learn to live with them. Don’t worry, though, in the accompanying binder, you will find everything you need to know.

You’ll have noticed the front door sticks. When exiting, kick the bottom while pulling the door towards you. When entering, hit the top while pushing. It’s finicky, but you’ll get the hang of it. For safety’s sake, you might want to practice.

Please do not use the green chair in the living room. That’s where Terry likes to sit and stare into nothingness for days. Somehow, he’ll know if you’re in it, and I don’t want to deal with one of his massive nosebleeds in the middle of a luau.

Norma comes on Monday afternoons to clean. She prefers the house to be empty when she works, especially since Terry started watching her every move from his hiding spots. In case of cleaning emergencies, there are supplies under the kitchen sink, along with plenty of bug spray.

The Wi-Fi network name is KirstenAndTerry. The password is a long string of ones and zeroes, which you will find on pages 22 to 137 of the ELECTRONICS section (blue pages). Sorry it’s so long. Terry changed it, and since he’s no longer verbal, I haven’t been able to get him to change it back.

The kitchen is fully stocked with essentials. Help yourself to whatever you’d like. If you could, please make sure there’s some bread, coffee, and toilet paper in the house when we get back, as well as plenty of bug spray, of course.

You might want to turn down the thermostat. It’s on the wall next to the front door. I’ve set it to 85 degrees because, lately, Terry shivers no matter how many layers he wears.

Please water the plants once a week. Don’t bother with the big purple one with the mouth. I’m 99 percent sure it has a consciousness, and it hates women almost as much as it likes to grab unsuspecting cats.

Speaking of cats, full info on what and how much to feed Mimsy is in the CAT section (orange paper). Here, you’ll also find contact info for the vet and details on cleaning the litter box. Please do clean the litter box. Mimsy’s already so tense.

The door in the hallway should remain locked at all times, as it opens onto another dimension. We were putting away the Christmas decorations, and Terry was sucked in. He made it out, but neither unharmed nor alone. I managed to catch most of the Sentient Slime Blobs (with no help from Terry), but unfortunately, one of them has proven too clever. He’s mostly harmless, but I recommend you sleep fully dressed, just in case (he’s a curious little bugger!). More details in the SENTIENT SLIME BLOB section (green paper). Most importantly: carry bug spray at all times. It doesn’t hurt him, but it’ll give you a few minutes of peace while he licks it off.

Be careful when opening the front door any more than an inch. Mimsy will try to escape, for obvious reasons. Should Sentient Slime Blob escape, that would, of course, be great.

Well, that’s about it, I think. Be sure to text in case of any emergencies. But try not to, please. I need a break.

I’ll send you a postcard from Hawaii and bring you back a souvenir (getting you lei-d is the least I can do—ha ha). Hopefully, the sunshine and relaxation will snap Terry the hell out of it. I do still love him very much, even after all these years. And with the extra nipples he’s been growing.

Love,

Kirsten