By John Yohe

I asked Jessica out even though she was a famous comedian with a Netflix special, so you would think that she would have men out the wazoo, but I decided to shoot my shot and risk being that guy who bothers famous people (or women in general). We were in Antigone Books downtown Tucson where I thought maybe possibly she had smiled at me from the poetry section—even though with women you never know because a smile can just be a friendly shield—but I figured most women would say just go for it because how else are adults to meet? So in all bravery I walked over to tell her I really liked her Netflix special. She said thank you. I asked some questions about it, which must have been halfway decent and, in fact, sincere because she answered, so I made my big move asking her if she wanted to go to Harley’s around the corner to get a coffee. 

Dear Reader, she said yes.

When I did finally ask her for her number she raised her left eyebrow and said, “What are your intentions towards me?” 

To which I said, “Date you?” 

She laughed, so I added that at the very least I might provide her w/more material, to which she laughed again, but the thing about comedians is they’re gone a lot touring and after the success of her Netflix special she was also flying to LA to discuss a TV pilot and audition for movie parts, and she was in Tucson because she could actually buy a house there w/the money from a Netflix special and as a way to escape from LA. She was impressed I got her running joke reference the very first time: —Call me Plissken.

As a musician I too had a somewhat hectic life playing in the Tucson Symphony Orchestra while teaching full-time at the university, but when we were together we would go hiking out in the surrounding desert mountains dodging rattlesnakes or go for night runs when it wasn’t so hot or movies in actual theaters. I loved her running comedic commentary on life—even during sex. We lasted longer than either one of us usually did in a relationship—nine months. 

Her bi-polarbearness was a factor, which even though she took meds for it or maybe (my theory) despite the meds, she could still have highs and lows and mostly I was there for the highs because when she had the lows she holed up and wrote bitter jokes, but finally there were just no highs or lows just absences as her life took off back in LA, so I left it up to her to call if she wanted to see me and she never called.

So I filled my life w/music as usual and I had provided her with material, which despite my best judgement, I learned watching her next Netflix special: embarrassing things like my suave approach in the bookstore and most especially my love of wearing women’s underwear. She had a four-minute bit about putting in her straplezz dildo to make me her bitch, which was actually really funny if I didn’t think about friends and family who knew I’d dated her because while she didn’t use my name it seemed obvious she was talking about me, tho I guess I could have had plausible deniability if it came up. But it never did. No one ever said anything about the details of her Netflix special—just asked how it felt to have dated her then see her on the screen. It felt weird and sad and kind of magical—she’s kind of the most interesting woman I’ve ever known and she at least included in her routine about me that I had a decently-lengthed cock—I appreciate that kindness.