There are two elements that work exceptionally well in Evan Burkin’s story “Saturated Mud.” Firstly, the opening and secondly, the weaving together of ‘showing and telling.’
This story starts with a fantastic—or fantastical—opening line: “It rained so long that all of us tried to become fish.” The first line, or section, of a story is called ‘a hook’. What’s the point of a hook? It’s to grab the reader’s attention so they keep reading.
What makes Burkin’s opening line particularly effective is that it’s working on multiple levels. It reveals the story’s ‘problem’ (it’s been raining a long time), a character (someone is narrating about “all of us”), and the consequence of the problem (they “tried to become fish.”) At this point we don’t know whether the character is joking or serious, but it’s definitely interesting enough to read on.
Following the ambiguous first sentence is a precise second sentence: “We bent our bodies to have one ear and a portion of our mouth submerged, a swimmer’s breath.” Notice how the rest of the paragraph is filled with exact details: “stacked into pyramids,” “favorite items on top,” and “strung up to trees and intersections.”
Because of the precision of the details that have been ‘shown,’ there is scope to use a short summary sentence, a sentence that ‘tells’: “We adapted quickly to the new landscape.” As writers, we are often coached to ‘show, not tell,’ which is largely good advice. However, you can’t show everything. A story would lose focus. Especially when trying to convey long(er) periods of time, a short summary sentence can be very effective.
As you read the following example, decide which sentence is showing and which is telling.
“It looked exhausting. But it was better than the families who realized a little one had strayed a football field away and claimed their arms were too tired.”
The first is telling, and the second is showing.
Alongside these elements, the story makes good use of repetition (i.e., rain/raining, mountains, floating, submerged) as well as the character being on a physical journey (to the mountains) and a metaphorical one (becoming water). The final paragraph simultaneously feels conclusive as well as open-ended, which can work really well and certainly does here. Overall, this is a fantastic—and fantastical—story.
Laura, thank you for explaining what elements are working in “Saturated Mud.” It’s interesting that the flash, which opens in first person plural, shifts to first person singular as the story zooms into the protagonist’s interiority.
I look forward to reading more of your insightful analysis.
Yes! More “What Makes This Story Exceptional” … maybe someday she’ll use one of mine as an example…
Yes please to more critiques like this. Wonderful story, by the way – leaves a residue on the mind.
Thanks for the thoughtful and concise critique. Giving examples from this interesting story was helpful in analyzing what elements worked well in building the narrative.